The first is that I'm updating my blog. I haven't blogged in forever, months I guess. (And I'm too lazy to go back now and look.)
Also, I'm thinking honestly about the blessings that I have. It's sad, but I really haven't done this in a long time. Recently, I have become much more of a doer than a thinker. These days, I sort of float along, making it by, not digging too deep. But I used to think more.
It makes it hard, actually, because now that I come to it, I'm thinking too many things to know what to write about.
I'm thinking about how I love love. Not just romantic love, although that's excellent in its own way. Love that happens day after day, over and over. The time, energy, sacrifice, talking, listening, working, worshiping. I don't often realize how much of a blessing it is to see my relationships in the light of Christ's love. But then again, I don't often see them that way either.
I hate my own selfishness. I hope this doesn't sound arrogant, but I've been realizing that the potential blessing that I could be to others, through Christ's work, really is astounding. That is, if I'd just let go of my own plans for myself, my own image of myself, my own desires. Of course, if I'm honest, I love my own selfishness, too.
How hard is it to regain a conscience after you've let yours go? How hard is it to become sensitive to sin again after you've worked up a callous? I want it back, at whatever cost. Please.
My own resolve, and my own self-image and self-worth will never, never be enough motivation for me to resist sin. Cause motivation isn't what I'm lacking.
