Ability

I'm sitting here when I should be asleep, doing several things that I haven't done in a long time.

The first is that I'm updating my blog. I haven't blogged in forever, months I guess. (And I'm too lazy to go back now and look.)

Also, I'm thinking honestly about the blessings that I have. It's sad, but I really haven't done this in a long time. Recently, I have become much more of a doer than a thinker. These days, I sort of float along, making it by, not digging too deep. But I used to think more.

It makes it hard, actually, because now that I come to it, I'm thinking too many things to know what to write about.

I'm thinking about how I love love. Not just romantic love, although that's excellent in its own way. Love that happens day after day, over and over. The time, energy, sacrifice, talking, listening, working, worshiping. I don't often realize how much of a blessing it is to see my relationships in the light of Christ's love. But then again, I don't often see them that way either.

I hate my own selfishness. I hope this doesn't sound arrogant, but I've been realizing that the potential blessing that I could be to others, through Christ's work, really is astounding. That is, if I'd just let go of my own plans for myself, my own image of myself, my own desires. Of course, if I'm honest, I love my own selfishness, too.

How hard is it to regain a conscience after you've let yours go? How hard is it to become sensitive to sin again after you've worked up a callous? I want it back, at whatever cost. Please.

My own resolve, and my own self-image and self-worth will never, never be enough motivation for me to resist sin. Cause motivation isn't what I'm lacking.

Silence

A debtor to mercy alone, of covenant mercy I sing;
Nor fear, with Thy righteousness on, my person and off’ring to bring.
The terrors of law and of God with me can have nothing to do;
My Savior’s obedience and blood hide all my transgressions from view.

The work which His goodness began, the arm of His strength will complete;
His promise is Yea and Amen, and never was forfeited yet.
Things future, nor things that are now, nor all things below or above,
Can make Him His purpose forgo, or sever my soul from His love.

My name from the palms of His hands eternity will not erase;
Impressed on His heart it remains, in marks of indelible grace.
Yes, I to the end shall endure, as sure as the earnest is giv’n;
More happy, but not more secure, the glorified spirits in heav’n.

~Augustus M. Toplady

Sunshine

I am really starting to look forward to Christmas for several reasons. (I know, we haven't even had Thanksgiving yet, and I'm looking forward to that also.) But I'm excited about seeing Kurt, Mel, Luke, Esther, Richie, and Suzy. And that won't happen 'til Christmas.

I made the decision not to drive to Georgia this week with Kay. Most people are calling this, "being responsible". I'm just wondering if it wasn't more like "being lazy".

When I get to heaven, do you think I'll know why I get these headaches? Or will I have to wonder about that for all of eternity?

Adjectives ending in -ile

I woke up at 9:30 p.m. tonight. It's a weird feeling, and I'm contemplating how soon I can go to sleep again.

I'm very glad today (yesterday?) is over. It was better than I was thinking it might be, and I'm very thankful for that. Now, I just have to finish my path chart and write my nursing process paper by Tuesday. Then I have a few days off.

I seem to be working every Saturday night these days. It's a fine shift, but it makes me tired on Sunday mornings.

Note to self: Sleeping through dinner is not something I should do on a regular basis. I'm hungry.

God always prepares us with what we need for what is about to happen in our lives.

I say this, because I just failed my lifespan exam. I'm discouraged, admittedly, but the first thing I thought of was, "Isn't it odd that we just had a discussion in NCF about trusting God to know best and not freaking out when we get a bad grade and not comparing our grades with other people's grades?"

So...yeah. Thank you, God.